Our journalist was sent for a covert operation deep within the heart of Versova to uncover the clandestine secrets of Bollywood. On a fateful night, he stumbled upon a meeting between Prabhudheva and his fabled think tank. With great mortal risk he managed to record the audio of the discussion. Following is part of the transcript:
Think Tank: Sir you are great
Prabhudheva: Forgetting the word ‘dancer’?
TT: No sir you are generally great
Prabhudheva: I know. But let’s get to business. I need to make a film that surpasses my previous movies in every single way.
TT: Sir, previously you have done Wanted, which began this migraine-inducing trend of Simbly South remakes that has taken Bollywood back by twenty years. You have made a crap load of money, so this time you should do something out of your comfort zone.
Prabhudheva: You mean I should put in some effort this time to make a film?
TT: Effort is just a vernacular sir
Prabhudheva: I saw a movie called Only God Forgives. I didn’t really understand it, but it was freaking awesome to look at. I want to make something like that.
TT: Sir did that movie have enough cringe worthy regressive humor?
Prabhudheva: No, but I’ll add that stuff in. After all that’s what I specialize in ainnit?
TT: Even god forgives your need to portray women as idiots sir.
Prabhudheva: Get this. My movie will have a sadak chaap mawali yet good natured hero from a small town, an epic moron heroine, his regressive attempts at wooing her, her inability to resist him, a caricaturish gunda boss, slow mo fights, camera angles that make you reach for Dramamine, and incredibly horrible and massy songs that would play in every cement truck in the country. How does that sound?
TT: That sounds like every movie you have ever made sir.
Prabhudheva: PRECISELY! That is the genius of it – hear me out – the audience in the first half will ASSUME that I’m making the same movie again. But then there’s this insane twist no one will see coming – there are not one .. but.. TWO heroes! Humshakals!
TT: You mean like in Rowdy Rathore?
Prabhudheva: I .. well.. THAT’S NOT ALL, LEMME FINISH ALRIGHT?
TT: Sorry sir pls we won’t interrupt again. You’re an amazing dancer.
Prabhudheva: SO ANYWAY, there’s two heroes, but this time, we’ll have Samurais, and Yakuzas, and Bangkok dons, and psychotic vamps, and swordplay!
TT: That sounds amazing sir, how about making this a revenge tale without any logic?
Prabhudheva: Indeed. So the first hero is the regular attitude throwing sadak chaap mawali who charms dumb chicks. The second one is like that first dude on acid. Instead of fighting in a desi galli, he fights in Bangkok. His boss is bald and for some reason has one fake blue eye. And he rejects advances from his boss’ mega hot daughter.
TT: That’s great sir, perhaps the daughter could be the major plot point in the film? Have you thought of something incredibly stupid to do that yet?
Prabhudheva: Of course. So the daughter goes batshit crazy when Bangkok Hero rejects her. She either wants him in bed or wants him dead… She wanna be humpin and not be dumpin… She wants his chaddis, not be best buddies… She..
TT: I think we get your drift sir
Prabhudheva: So then Bangkok Hero escapes to India and meets his desi mawali Humshakal, and they pull a Don on the villains.
TT: Perfection sir. May we suggest Ajay Devgan as the lead? He’s trending on the sellout scale right now.
Prabhudheva: Yes, Ajay is perfect. I wanted Bhai for this movie earlier but his tweets on his sister’s wedding creeped me out. I realize the vamp lady has an integral part in the film, so naturally I need to cast someone hot but completely untalented and unintentionally hilarious.
TT: We believe Manasvi Mamgai would fit the bill sir.
Prabhudheva: And I’ll need a heroine for the desi hero – her character is a listless, clueless, daft creature, someone who is an embarrassment to womanhood and the portrayal of women in cinema, some actress who does not give a tinker’s cuss about her critics and is determined to drag Bollywood back to the 80’s.
TT: Sonakshi then.
Prabhudheva: Right on. There’s plenty of comic relief too. And by comic relief I mean portrayal of comedy by relieving yourself via farts. Hey what is Kunal Roy Kapoor doing nowadays? Call him na, I’m sure we could lure him with the fragrance of a paycheck. We’ll give him a scene where he farts tea on someone’s face.
TT: Lovely sir, to cash in on his fatness, there could also be a scene where he carries a plate of sev puri on a bike, and the wind blows over the puris towards the mouth of a motorist behind him. All done in terrible CGI, of course.
Prabhudheva: Hahaha! This is why you’re my Think Tank. Good boys! Here, fetch this stick. Go get it boys!
Prabhudheva: There are plenty of films nowadays that try to be fun and crazy, but they take themselves too seriously. This movie will be completely over the top, it would be BEYOND over the top. And my plan is to make it so bad it’s good. That way the dodos who generally see my films would be happy anyway, and it would also satisfy the elite multiplex indie snobs. It’s a win win!
TT: Terrific sir. But the thing is, you’re such a good dancer, and your choreography effort mostly goes unnoticed, because the actors hog the credit.
Prabhudheva: It pinches me sometimes yes.
TT: Let’s have a couple of self-referential lines about you in the film sir, about how you are the greatest dancer in the world.
Prabhudheva: That sounds good. But I’m a modest man, I’m only the second greatest dancer in the world. The first is Carlton Banks.
TT: But sir you still have a first name that means God God, which you freaking are.
Prabhudheva: I’m struggling to come up with a name though.
TT: Sir, this is an Action movie with dance steps like Michael Jackson.
Prabhudheva: Ah, I think it finally dawned on me. Pour me another glass boys.
(First published in Firstpost)