Yann Martel wrote in Life of Pi, when you've suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling. Such has been my predicament ever since the first Twilight movie, and each successive sequel has been significantly more painful to endure. Expecting the big finale to be any improvement is a stretch, and it delivers exactly what you expect – a big rollicking glob of terribleness.
A review of a Twilight movie is as necessary as a vote in North Korea. Twi-hards are going to line up to watch the films, no matter what the scenario. Had Kasab been a Twi-hard, his last wish would’ve been a YouTube stream of the Breaking Dawn 2 trailer. At this point it is futile to comment on the lack of a good story, the necessity of decent actors, the wish for good special effects and the prerequisite of on screen chemistry. The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn 2 doesn’t remotely have any of those qualities, and it doesn’t even attempt to interest those who don’t slobber at the sight of male vampires with shaved chests and glowing nipples. Instead it has the same exceedingly serious and in turn unintentionally hilarious tone that firmly attaches your palm to your face.
To get into the story details would probably lower the reader’s IQ, all you need to know is that Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) have a baby girl named Renesmee and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is attracted to her. In case you’re wondering if the Twilight Saga openly champions child porn, then you’re right – it does, and why such a book is an international bestseller and a three billion dollar movie franchise still remains a mystery. Anyways, the finale Breaking Dawn 2 is a soap opera full of waxy bores, where the Maybelline eyeliner wearing Volturi, the Revlon lipstick wearing werewolves and the Dabur Amla Kesh Tel vampires are at war with each other, all for the future of the little girl. Bella is now a full-fledged vampire and can run like Forest Gump. She also has superhuman strength, but not nearly enough to muscle out a facial expression. Edward is protective of his family and will stop at nothing to save his loved ones and Pattinson’s acting career. Both Stewart and Pattinson have tried their hands at films outside the Twilight zone (Snow White and the Hunstman, Cosmopolis) but have failed spectacularly, and it remains to be seen if they pick good projects or end up as Hajmola commercial models.
With Breaking Dawn 2, fans of the Twilight series will scream in delight and cry torrid tears for witnessing the epic finale and waving goodbye to their favourite characters, and to be fair the film does well in catering to its core audience. All isn’t lost for the Twihards, as they can now look forward to the other Stephanie Meyer series The Host which begins next year. For the rest of us, it’s time to be thankful to the Twilight series for bringing us Anna Kendrick.
(First published in MiD Day)